It may be one of the inherent elements of being a therapist, but I am constantly thinking about the process of change and healing. I think about the healing my clients are experiencing, the changes in culture or in nature, the motivators for the work of healing, the philosophy around why we change and what makes it possible etc.
You may be one of those people right now thinking, “I hate change!”, and I assure you, you wouldn’t be alone. However, change is of course an inevitable part of life and something that we simply cannot get away from while we exist in this world. It is also a process that we need to move through in order to heal, and get to a better place than we are now.
So herein lies the challenge: how do we incentivize change, so that we can lean into its force, and make choices for our own healing?
Perhaps you are already a client in therapy, or seeking to become one, and therefore came across this blog post. If so, you are in a perfect position to engage with me in this conversation about change, because most people come to a therapist’s office looking for some sort of alteration in their lives. Whether they want to change something about themselves, or their life circumstances, or their mother-in-law, most people are wanting something to be different as a result of visiting a therapist, even if they can’t exactly articulate what that is.
If you have ever showed up to a counselling session going, “I have no idea what I’m going to talk about”, or have drawn a blank when a counsellor asks, “So, what are you wanting to use our time for today?”, I am here to tell you that that is totally okay.
Most of us don’t know what we want or need most of the time anyway, and figuring that out may in fact be part of the therapeutic process. However, if you have worked with me you may have heard me ask at some point, “what do you want to be different?” and “what will be different on the inside if that were possible?”
The reason for this line of questioning is to 1) understand what you hope for from the therapeutic experience, 2) collaborate on goals together so that the therapist and client aren’t working towards different things, and 3) really look for that point of “buy-in” or your personal “why” for leaning into the uncomfortable and often challenging process of change and healing.
You see, our brains and bodies do not naturally lean into the process of change, in fact they do the exact opposite. We have a homeostatic bias towards keeping things the same, because what is familiar is predictable, and therefore doesn’t cost us the energy of decision making. We like what is routine and habitual on a neurobiological level, and therefore we will inevitably experience some natural resistance and discomfort when seeking to adjust something in our lives. What is familiar and predictable also eliminates the element of surprise (or so we like to pretend), which helps us to feel more safe and in control, in turn helping to minimize the anxiety of the unknown.
Sound familiar?
Furthermore, not only do our brains have a homeostatic bias, but because we are wired to avoid anything that causes discomfort or pain, we unconsciously avoid re-visiting the things that caused us wounding. Going to a therapist’s office and leaning into the process of healing, means turning towards the pain that you’ve experienced. This flies in the face of every natural instinct you have, which is why becoming a therapy client is incredibly courageous! At least I think so.
So, if this is all true, then how do we do this thing called healing? I think the first thing is to really get clear on your “Why”. What is motivating you to do this work? It likely is either because something is currently not working in your world and is causing you stress, pain, or suffering of some kind. Or, you know that you want more or better for yourself and/or those around you, and are wanting to reach for that in a new way. Avoidance of pain and pursuance of pleasure are the two biggest driving forces for human beings.
So what is your “Why?”, and is it big enough, strong enough, and clear enough to motivate you to push through the discomfort of the change process?
I’ll tell you about my “Why” in a personal time of healing. It deeply connects to what I believe is my greater purpose and calling in this world, and so it is pretty darn strong.
When I was in my early twenties, I spent four years in college pursuing my undergraduate degree in counselling. Everything was going great. I did well academically, I had a decent social life, I was growing and learning about myself and my spirituality, and I was in a romantic relationship. It all seemed to be going as planned.
As a young 23 year old in a long-term relationship in Bible College (bridal college as it was called there), getting married seemed like the thing to do, and I was eager to follow along. In the summer of 2013 I walked down the aisle towards a man that I had known for 3 years, and whom I knew had his flaws. I had experienced his intensity, his stubbornness, and his stone-walling throughout our relationship, but being the good empath that I am, I thought I could “fix” him through love and compassion.
It wasn’t until after we were married that the glaring truth of the emotional abuse I’d been enduring our whole relationship really became too apparent to ignore. The abuse, manipulation, and intimidation spiraled into every area of our relationship and completely consumed my world. I now count it a blessing that his unfaithfulness, only 5 months into our marriage, gave me what I saw as a “free ticket out” of that relationship and the hell I was living in.
I won’t go into more detail about the separation, but I was able to finish my last semester of my degree with the support of my family, friends, and faculty. Those were some of the hardest “just make it through” days of my life.
After I graduated, I was exhausted. I knew I probably wanted to continue my education into a Master’s degree at some point, but my inner wisdom also knew I needed time to heal. My world had been turned upside down. Assumptions I had made about myself, others, love, marriage, faith, and even goodness had been thrown into chaos, and I needed to sort through the rubble to try to make sense of it all. The following year I spent working, volunteering, and processing. I lived on my own, and spent many hours trying to look at what had happened, understand my pain, and find myself once again. This was not easy I tell you, but I held onto my “Why”.
I have known since I was a teen that I wanted to be a counsellor. I wanted to be able to companion people along their journeys of healing and restoration, and I knew that I couldn’t do that to my fullest ability if I was still stuck in my own unresolved hurt and trauma. I would cry it out and think, “I’m going to my own depths for the nameless, faceless many that I will one day work with.” I went to my own therapy, I talked things through with trusted friends and family, I journaled, and I sat with the big feelings. I wholeheartedly believe in the principle that you can only take others as far as you’ve been willing to go yourself, and so I leaned in.
You, beloved, have always been my “Why”.
I know first-hand how many layers there are to the Self. I know how sticky and gross the journey can be through the muck and mire of trauma. I know that there are days when not even you want to peer into the cracks of what was broken; for fear, or shame, or heartbreak. It is entirely unnerving to have your world-view unhinged and have to wander in the unknown, trying to once again orient yourself to something sure or solid. I get it.
But this is the reason for the “Why”.
Doing this work is not easy, or glamorous, but it does yield rewards. It allows you to go deep into knowing who you are, and in turn, allows you to be less afraid of knowing others with a similar intimacy. There are changes that are worth doing the uncomfortable work for, and the good news is, you don’t have to do that work alone.
If my first recommendation is to get clear on your “Why”, my second would be to find someone whom you trust to go into those deep places with you. Someone who can witness your beautiful healing, and reflect back to you your own resilience. The truth is that we can all do hard things, including the difficult work of healing, but sometimes we need someone who has been there already to come along for the journey and say “I’ve been here before, I’m not afraid, and I’m not going anywhere”.
If you find yourself resonating with my words, I encourage you to reach out to either myself, or another therapist in your area that you trust can walk that path towards healing with you. For those who are already connected with me, whether personally or professionally, I thank you for the safety of being able to share a part of my story vulnerably with you. We are all a work in progress, and it continues to be my privilege to do this work of healing and self-discovery alongside you.
With deepest respect,
Kara Phelan