The statement: “I’m not who I am because I’m a therapist; I’m a therapist because of who I am” may seem a bit confusing... or like some dramatic line from a movie protagonist, so allow me to explain what I mean a bit further.
I sometimes have conversations with others, either in my professional capacity, or in my personal life, where people won't be quite sure whether I'm being "sincere" I.e. genuine as myself, or whether I'm engaging in the way that I am because I'm a professional counsellor.
Clients may wonder if I'm saying what I am in session because "well, you're a therapist so you have to say things like that", or people in my personal life will think I'm leaning into conversation with care and compassion because I'm "therapizing" them.
Let me just say that neither is the case.... Well not completely. The truth is that the lines are even blurred for me at times between the "therapist me" and the "outside of work me", not because professional or ethical boundaries ever get blurred, but because who I am inside the therapy room IS who I am outside the therapy room and vice versa. Sure, I may be using certain skills in particular ways for an agreed upon purpose when with my clients, but the authentic personality, genuine care, sense of humour, creative metaphors, and full belly laughs are all me, all of the time.
I think there is the potential for people to choose certain careers because of pay, or work hours, or to please their families, or simply because they fell into it, and maybe that is even the case for some counsellors out there. But, I'd say it would be pretty darn hard to do this work with any effectiveness or longevity if it wasn't out of a true passion and calling. I do what I do because of who I am naturally. I was "counselling" those in my life from an early age and was told by many in my life that there is “just something” about my energy and presence that makes them feel safe to open up.
I don't at all want to come across as prideful or boasting, but the reason I am a therapist is because of who I've always been; I just happen to now have a couple of degrees and some helpful training under my belt as well.
If you are reading this and you are someone who knows me in a personal context rather than a professional one, I also want to say that I genuinely love people, and so I may ask you how you really are, not because I'm trying to "work" outside of my work hours, but because I sincerely want to know.
I think we should all work towards having more of these open, caring, compassionate conversations with one another without it being outside the norm. I also want to encourage you that you don’t need to have counselling degrees and training before you can engage in these conversations with family, friends, or co-workers. All you need is a genuine interest in that other person, and a non-judgmental listening ear. We are actually wired to perceive safety from others through a helpful “sixth sense” known as neuroception, and this is why you can get certain “vibes” from certain people. If your energy is one of love and care, it is likely that that can be felt by others*.
I also want to say that there are things that I have learned because of what I do for a living that has challenged, grown, and shaped me in ways that I couldn't have imagined, and of course this learning translates to my personal life as well.
I learn from my clients and their stories all of the time, and quite frankly it makes me want to be a better human for the privilege it is of being invited into the most sacred spaces of other's lives.
Also in my experience, it is the best therapists around that:
1. Continue to work on themselves in their own lives and
2. DO integrate who they genuinely are into the therapeutic experience.
Who wants a "blank slate" professional sitting across from them with a solemn stare and a notepad while they try to bare their sole?
Not me!
I want someone real whom I feel truly understands me. Someone who can laugh with me when we need to lighten a moment, or who occasionally shares a piece of their own learning as a means of relatability and camaraderie. I want the person that I go to for therapy to feel like a real human, who's not going to judge me for my messiness, because they maybe also have their own.
This is what is means to be human, and what a beautiful thing it is to do a job that is also my passion. Where I get to be myself and also serve my community of fellow co-healers.
I am here for you, and I trust that at some point you will be there for someone else, and so on.
*A note on neuroception: our brains and nervous system are not operating with pinpoint accuracy and it is possible that due to an over-active system as a result of trauma, that yourself or others may “misperceive” the positive or negative intentions of others. This is not the person’s fault and can be worked on with a qualified trauma therapist.